November 30, 2005

Humour: Judge’s Code of Conduct

We have received from an anonymous source in Scotland the following “Code of Conduct” for judges on the approved list of Scotland’s Joint Committee.”

We advise that the list is tongue-in-cheek but, with the exception of point three, are all circumstances that actually occurred in the past 10 years in solo competitions in Scotland (and probably around the world, too).

Judge’s Code of Conduct

1) If you drink, try to be sober when you turn up.

2) Do not use your mobile phone whilst a competitor is playing.

3) If a competitor offers his or her tunes in sign language, do not act surprised when you tell the competitor you are not in fact deaf.

4) Do not award prizes to competitors who during the course of their performance have broken down.

5) If you in fact unwittingly forget to put someone in the prize-list (especially in the first prize position), do not tell a competitor that you “forgot about him” when you are inevitably questioned why that person did not in fact even get a prize.

6) Do not award prizes (especially first prizes) to pipers who in fact have not been in attendance at the competition.

7) If you do in fact slip up and award a prize inadvertently to someone who has broken down, do not try to explain yourself by saying that “half a tune from so and so was much better than a whole tune from all of you lot”…..

8) In a Strathspey & Reel competition, when the competitor submits his or her tunes, try to actually give the competitor a strathspey and a reel, i.e., NOT two strathspeys only, viz., “We’ll have ‘The Caledonian Canal’ and ‘Highland Harry,’ please.”

9) Following on from (3) above, if you are in fact deaf and cannot hear the competitor submitting his or her tunes, do NOT ask “what was the first one, again?”, because inevitably you will not hear it the second time. The recommended course of action in this case is just to say simply, “We will hear the last one, please.”

10) Following on from (9) above, if you are in fact deaf, remember that your voice is likely to be heard from a great distance, so refrain from shouting things such as, “I DON’T LIKE THIS MAN’S PLAYING,” or, “I DIDN’T KNOW GERMANS COULD PLAY PIOBAIREACHD,” as the competitor approaches.


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