By Bill Livingstone
?

I was poring over pipes|drums the other day, looking for news, gossip, the general down-low on piping, drumming and pipe bands. If you’re like me, you do this once or twice a day, so starved are we for regular scoopage. Sadly, our art produces little in the way of truly juicy scandals. We don’t seem to generate much in the way of the Kardashians, Brangelina, Newt Gingrich, or to be a bit parochial the scandalous machinations of the Stephen Harper government in Ottawa.
?
My glance, however, hit upon
a recent poll, where readers were asked to respond to questions about the age of the members of their various bands. The results of the poll were, at the very least, remarkable in the true sense of that word, and perhaps more accurately described as being akin to a smack in the gob. Or so it seemed to me. So here’s what was disclosed:
What’s to be made of this? Are pipe bands to be populated by geriatrics wandering loose from their retirement homes, caregivers calling for them to come home, playing old vinyl LPs from Shotts and Edinburgh cops on huge loudspeakers to beckon them on back?
?
Now all of this is of particular interest to me. A few days since the date of this scribbling,
my odometer tripped 70. If you think that sucks, you may be right, and you’re not alone. I have very strong views about the whole process of passing years (note my avoidance of the term “aging”). On one hand I actually don’t believe in aging. I ain’t doin’ it. On the other hand there is something inexorable and undeniable about the objective fact of the actual number of one’s years on the planet.
?
See, there were times when I was the youngest member of the band . . . whatever band at the time. Now here it is with me as the character referred to by the 30% of the respondents to the poll, and it’s disquieting to say the least. I long for those days when folk would look at me rather adoringly and comment on how cute I was, patting me on the head, and stuffing small bills into fox-head sporran, standard gear that I wore for the gigs I was asked to play at.
?
And it’s not the lost youth I mourn; it’s more the complete acceptance of, and affection for, a human being playing bagpipes. These gigs were a mixed bag to be sure: Shriners parades, Legion parades, Remembrance Day ceremonies, doing the haggis thing at Burns suppers, and even Orange parades on the 12th of July, following King Billy on his white charger, who seemed always to have a diet very high in fibre, and whose owner usually neglected to attach the customary courtesy bag to his hind-quarters. This created an obstacle course which often had the pipers both piping, and tripping along in sort of hip-hop version of a schottische. Little kids playing pipes get a skewed vision of what their piping career will really bring as they mature.
?
The reward I speak of is the rejection and scorn we have all come to know. “A gentleman is someone who can play the pipes but doesn’t.” Or how about the octopus who can play any musical instrument and whose attempt at the pipes is turned into a ribald and vulgar joke?
?
And now I fear the 60 to 70-plus members of pipe bands will bring about even more dislocation. Should we treat this as a manifestation of the phenomenon of aging population? Experts tell us that we will all have to work longer, retirement ain’t a slam-dunk, and our government old age security . . .
?
?
packages are in jeopardy. These problems are beyond our control.
?
However, continuing to play in a pipe band at some advanced stage of geezerhood is a choice . . . a choice one should consider carefully. And so I worry.
?

Take the business of insurance. I received a note from my bank recently, thanking me for “your continued interest in our insurance program,” and then going on to tell me that at age 70, my insurance will be discontinued. Wha’? Yes, I have a continued “interest” in my insurance program . . . I want it to continue.
?
My fancy travel insurance through my fancy credit card will drop by 50% at age 70. Say what?! If I get sick while travelling, it will only cast the system half because I’m 70.
?
Oy-vey!
?
So consider the geriatric piper off to some faraway pipe band contest who gets creamed by a runaway drunk driver. Too bad, bub; cough up half.
?
Actually the only safe place to get sick or hurt while on a piping venture is Scotland, because if you need a hospital there the National Health Service cares for you. Period. No questions asked; no demand for a credit card, no demand for proof of insurance. Are you listening, US Republicans?
?
It’s not just insurance. There is no end of foreseeable problems that could arise. The glaucoma stricken piper can have someone guide him into the circle. Maybe not so bad, as this kind of happens now, but make that piper a senior as well, and you can see the potential.
?
But what about the piper using a walker (a “Zimmer” for those in the UK)? You can’t push and pipe at the same time. Or consider the wheelchair-bound musician. They don’t make wheelchair accessible pipe band competition circles in my experience, and the ground we march over getting into the circle is definitely not wheelchair friendly.
?
But maybe there’s a bright side. If the age of band members continues along this trend, contest organizers will be compelled to change the rules. Bands will be permitted to form up in the competition arena in any way they see fit, and in a fashion that eases their halt and lame members into position with minimum risk of injury, and thenstart to play. This would see most of them performing while facing the audience!start to play. This would see most of them performing while facing the audience!
?

“C’moan, Jummie, they’ll never dae it! Bloody revolutionary! It’s they Canadians and they Aussies behind this crap!”
?
Maybe so, but I have often dreamed of qualifying for the Scottish Bar, and taking on some neat litigation over there, say, a class-action on behalf of composers against the appropriate defendants ( they know who they are) for compensation for their wrongful use of copyright material at the World Pipe Band Championships. What a hoot.
?
But to return to the topic at hand, perhaps it would be lawsuits in every corner of the pipe band world, relying on the local human rights legislation, claiming that if organizers don’t do something to help mobility challenged pipers and drummers on the top end of the age scale, their rights have been violated as a result of age discrimination. That would be fun.
?
But not as much fun as I’m having now, playing in a pipe band.
?
Born in 1942, Bill Livingstone was competing successfully in top solo contests until the age of 69, and continues to compete at the Grade 1 level in the Toronto Police Pipe Band. He still has his own teeth, hair and health, and shows none of the typical signs of geezerhood.