Tenor-drummers gird for world boycott
The world’s community of tenor-drummers plans to boycott the entire 2008 competition season, if everything goes to the plan devised by two tenor-players who asked that their names not be used, despite the fact that everyone can probably guess who they might be.
So we’re going to teach everyone a giant lesson and every single drummer who ties mallets to his or her wrists will refuse to strap on the kilt and take the competition field.”The debacle started when the RSPBA apparently decided to drop Best Bass-Section trophies, traditionally handed out at the whim of unknown judges at a few championships. What ensued was a firestorm of protestation from tenor- and bass-drummers worldwide that continues to rage.
The RSPBA, according to one anonymous source, is “fighting the problem while wearing petroleum suits.”With no tenor-drummers, the organizers of the boycott said, the pipe band world will have to revert to 1992 when tenor-drummers sort of just rubbed the drum and were often under strict orders from the pipe-major to, “Whatever you do – don’t %$&*ing hit it!”
Caption: A band making minimal or no use of a lone tenor-drum. Note how the judges aren’t distracted by anything but the usual teeming Glasgow rain. See also how the crowd is just listening and not really bothering to watch.
When instrument, mallets and uniform are factored, the financial cost of a single tenor-drummer in a pipe band is somewhere around $14,000, according to one Grade 1 Pipe-Major who really doesn’t like them, but is too afraid to do anything about it.”$14,000 will buy you lots of things,” the anonymous pipe-major said, “like John Wilson’s pipes with enough left over for a few cans of Airtight.”
In addition to demanding that Best Bass-Section trophies be reinstated, the world’s tenor-drummers will end their boycott only if they are allowed to be at the front of the band, are provided with their own beer tent at all contests, and are served prawn cocktail crisps and Lucozade after they play.Stay tuned to pipes|drums for moron this story as it develops.